need another drink. this is the easiest way
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
