my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
