so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
