she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
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