So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
