Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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