I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Holy sore nipples Batman
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
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