i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
