I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
