i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
Are my feet made of real feet?
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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