How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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