After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Randomize
