I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
