yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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