fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
