I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Randomize
