I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
You're a waste of cheezeits
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
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