Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
