3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
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