that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
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