When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
