my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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