chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
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