He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Randomize
