his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
You took a bar mat shot.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Randomize
