John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Randomize
