Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
