dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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