The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Randomize
