I just threw up on my dentist
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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