mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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