I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
