Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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