i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
She tied me up with her honor cords...
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
