you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Randomize
