Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
