and you said cock pushups were impossible
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
