If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
What a dumb baby whore.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
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