I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
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