Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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