if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
