I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I can't put those talents on a resume
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
