The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
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