fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize
