I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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