Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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