you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Randomize
