You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Randomize
