Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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