I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Randomize
