Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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