If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Randomize
